Than having the woman you love look at you with the same love…watching her eyes light up and the smile spread across her face, feeling her touch on your arm, or her body pressed against you as she drifts off to sleep. I cherish every moment she gives me. I am so very happy to have her back in my life the way that just feels right.
That’s really all it would take.
My Ex texted me the other day. She was in the hospital. She’s having migraines and other issues. We don’t communicate much anymore unless she wants something from me.
“Looks like I’ll be here all day too if you want to bring the boys by”
I’ll admit I didn’t do it for her. I did it for them. But still. I took time off from work. I drove through heavy traffic. I walked them up to her hospital room. I went back to my car and read for an hour and a half while they visited with her.
A simple thank you text would have been nice.
Instead she asks me (when she knows I’m already at work and can’t make any real arrangements) if I could help my kids figure out how to get them over to her house for her weekend. Can I get them down to the H line for the light rail?
A simple thank you would have gone a long way towards putting me in a receptive state of mind.
I’m not surprised. I didn’t get a thank you when I helped her get a car either. Or when I gave up another vehicle after her engine caught on fire and destroyed the last one because her boyfriend didn’t fix it right. Or when she doesn’t take the kids because she screwed up and dldn’t look at the schedule or when her work interferes. She simply says “it is what it is” and leaves them to me.
Oh well. I know what I’ll say when she has to start paying child support. “It is what it is.”
That’s how I feel today. Just gotta keep that feeling rolling. Good day all around…even work feels nice for a change. And yay for the nice weather…
The anxiety seems to be waning a little bit. I’m calm, and feeling mostly at peace with how things are. I’ve accepted the strange relationship I now find myself in with J. It’s almost more intimate in some ways, sans sex. And in the meantime I’m not keeping myself from other experiences…I’m not putting anything on hold and have really focused on getting in good workouts, getting things done, and improving my mood at work. The fact that I’m about to enjoy a week off doesn’t hurt either. Looking forward to making some positive changes in the next few weeks as well. In the meantime, I think the pills are working.
Originally posted on Lessons From the End of a Marriage:
I had no idea when I started blogging that it would change the way I look at, well, everything.
I am a numbers gal. I like data and graphs, empirical evidence of cause and effect. But I’m also a relationship person. I like to build and nurture connections with people.
And blogging is interesting that way. The input in is words and the output is in relationships and data. And the data holds clues to building relationships.
Behind the scenes on any website, you get information about traffic and views. You can track visits over time and analyze the impact of certain posts or links. And for a numbers gal like me, that data is intoxicating. It’s like a full-time science experiment with little restraint, “Let’s see what happens if I try this.”
After a few months blogging, I noticed an interesting pattern. From day to…
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I’m fine. No, really. I’m trying to tell myself that anyhow. Each morning I get snuggles and hugs from both my boys. It gives me a little strength, a little energy to make it through the day. I start with a positive attitude…and I try to keep it. Sometimes it’s just the silence that gets to me. The quiet. The being alone. Then there are those moments where I just don’t know what to do with myself. I sit there feeling like I should be doing something, anything, only it’s like I don’t know how to actually get up and do it. My insides go empty, and I can feel this total hollowness rise up like it wants to devour me. And I just sit, staring at nothing. Doing nothing. Being no one. And then, slowly, after a bit, I come back to myself. I breathe again. I start to function. I still feel hollow, but not so much that I can’t at least go through the motions. And I look forward to that next hug, that next human connection, that touch or word that reminds me that I really am here. Even if just for a moment.
I’m beginning to wonder if taking this vacation is a good idea. It’s causing me no end of anxiety and that’s on top of the general anxiety I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. I can’t seem to reel it in and the medication, at this point, doesn’t seem to be helping much.
What’s causing all this anxiety? I know some of it is the feeling of being abandoned, dumped, lost. It’s sad how I’ve let one thing dictate how I am feeling…but even with us working on the friendship, there’s confusion, and hurt, and pain. And I just continue to fear I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. And that scares me.
I’m anxious about work. I can’t seem to get it together. I go up and down and up and down. My desire to be there is non-existant. I’m doing something I must so I can pay for everyone else. I’m stuck, and the options within the company just aren’t there right now.
I’m anxious about my debt to my mother…it eats at me, and I see it growing every month. I can’t get out from under it without making drastic changes…and those changes could undermine some of the very things we fought to preserve.
I’m anxious about this vacation…the costs I have to incur to make it happen. And the planning and coordinating of everything to make it happen. I’m not even looking forward to it. I’m fearing it almost. I’m feeling trapped into it…because the housing part was a gift, but there’s so many other expenses to consider. I looked at one day at Adventure Ridge….it’s $72 for the 3 of us just to ride up to the ridge…and then $112 for us to do an hour of tubing. No wonder I never vacation in the mountains during the winter time. I thought about snowboarding lessons…I won’t even list the prices for that.
And all I want to do is curl up in a ball…
That’s the only way to describe I how feel right now.
I’m doing my best to take care of myself. I saw my therapist, then went to the psychiatrist to get a refill and stronger dosage of Cymbalta. The sticker shock for the refill hit me. I chose a different plan this year and it looks like I’ll be paying a bit more for medication. But I definitely feel I need it. I need something to ward off this empty, hollow feeling. It’s lingering inside me and I can’t seem to shake it.
I need to find something that I can do…that I want to do. I need to fill this existence up with something that has some meaning to me. Or maybe I just need to find happiness in the day to day. Right now it’s hard. This is just a setback I know, I know I can get there again. I just don’t know the way yet.
Sometimes I can be a defeatist. I get up in the morning and I feel drained. I make that first cup of coffee, down some water, pop my vitamins, and I look around at everything I want to tackle.
Who am I kidding? It’s overwhelming. I’m blowing smoke up my own ass if I think I’m going to make a dent in this.
Do I tackle the basement? if so, which part? How about the office? Do I clean it while the boys are gone? Shouldn’t I make them clean it? After all, they’re the ones that have trashed it.
Where to start? Is any of this really going to fix the empty feeling in my life? Is it going to fix what’s wrong with me?
And I sit, and I puff on my vapor pen…but what I really want is the burn….the black nasty burn of real clove….the kind that fills my lungs and nose…
Just a smoke or two…and then I can tackle this. I’ll make a plan. This time I’ll throw that stuff out. This time I’ll make it all go away.
But will all that smoke and tar really replace the empty feeling inside?
That’s really what I have to tackle. The rest is just blowing smoke.
It’s time for transformation. Time to wake up and shake the cobwebs off and move. I am truly grateful for the time I had with Jeanine. She made me feel special and loved in ways I hadn’t felt for a very long time. And I will always have that. So thank you, Jeanine. Thank you for being there and showing me that there are always new possibilities and experiences out there. But I have been broken for a long time and too often I let the way others feel about me dictate how I feel about myself. I have had successes and failures and I know I have grown so much since my divorce and that I still have a lot of work to do. I don’t reach out to my friends enough. I let connections go. I lose sight of who I am and what I want. I let myself down too many times. I allow my fears to consume me. But it is time to change. It is time to let go of those fears and stand alone. I know I have all of you; All you wonderful and amazing people who grace my life, and for that I am truly grateful. A couple of years ago I would have allowed something like this destroy me. I would have let it eat at me and it would feel like I can’t go on. I would have crawled into a hole, beat myself up, and wondered if I had the strength to go on.
But not today. Not now, and not ever again. A dear friend blogged the other day about how to safely fall apart. I am going to give myself that, a short respite, and I will allow myself to mourn. And then I am going to teach myself how to live. I am going to live for me. And I am going to open my heart and accept the love that I have in my life. I am going to learn to love myself like I never have.
This is my journey, and it starts today. I am letting go of all that burdens me and brings me down. I may trip and fall but I will get back on my feet. I will continue the journey I started when my marriage fell apart. I will grow. It is time.