That’s How I feel about J. But it’s love no longer returned. There’s great friendship there, but it’s not enough. It will never be enough. And I will always harbor ill feelings towards her new man, and that’s not healthy. I get so much from her, a friend, a teacher, a student, someone to laugh with, someone to hug, but a best friend and lover is what I want, not just a best friend. When I do finally say goodbye, I fear it will be forever. When the little things I see cause so much heartache, I know…I know I can’t continue exposing myself to it. I don’t know why she made the choices she did, I don’t know if it would be better if she could communicate and tell me, but she either chooses not to or doesn’t know how. All I know is that I feel a connection that she no longer does. In so many ways this is more painful than the demise of my marriage…at least there I had time to grow apart, to get angry, to learn not to love the woman who i had chosen to spend my life with. I learned to hate for a while, then grow apathetic, and to forgive somewhat. With J it was like a band-aid being torn off an open wound. The blood still flows, it won’t clot. The pain stays fresh, and a slight bump or jar sets off a deep ache inside me. I have two, maybe three weeks left in me before I can’t do this anymore, and I plan on making the best of them. After that, I don’t know. I move on? I lose a great friend, one I hadn’t count on losing, I lose a connection. The problem is I don’t really know how to say goodbye. I don’t know how to tell her why I need to. I don’t know how to let it go. I still don’t really want to, but I feel like I must. I’m saying goodbye, I just don’t know when.