Tonight J and I are getting together to talk. To really talk. And I hope it goes well, whatever direction it goes in.
I hope, at least, that we both communicate to the best of our abilities. That we each take the time to listen and that I can be rational and react appropriately to things I might not want to hear. I’m scared, mainly because I don’t know where it will go…though my heart fears the worst. I need to take a few minutes to write down everything I want to cover…because I don’t want to walk away and then go “oh hell…I should have…”
I wish she didn’t have this urge to run…I wish she’d face her fears, get some therapy, and deal with whatever issues are keeping her on the course she is on. I’m honest enough to admit that maybe despite all she’s said and written recently that maybe she’s somehow just realized that I’m not, nor never will, be that guy for her. I’ll have to come to terms with that if that’s the case. What I won’t do though is lash out at her in anger at all. There is no blame here, and being mad at someone for their feelings serves no purpose. She’s already faced those attacks from G, and certainly doesn’t need it from me as well.
I’m going into it hoping for one or two different outcomes but realizing that her mind might already be made up and it may not be what I want.
And nothing, really, will change how I feel about her. I love her, and I will always love and cherish the times we’ve had together. The only thing that might change Is how I get to deal with those feelings afterwards.