Do you love me?

“Do you love me? I’d ask.

I imagine she would look at me. “Of course I do…how can you even ask that?”

And then I would sit there in silence for a bit. I would think about everything that’s changed. Everything and nothing.

For me, she is everything. she is the person I wake up thinking about, the last person to cross my mind before I go to bed. When I hold her, I am holding the woman I love.

Lately, though, when I trail my fingers lightly down her back or across her shoulders I don’t get the same reaction I used to. I used to hear words, “you can touch me anytime!” in that light, lilting voice she uses when she’s happy. I can feel her body shiver under my touch. Or I could..perhaps it’s just me imagining it’s different. But I don’t think so.

Her texts used to be laced with emotiicons. Symbols of us, surrounded by hearts. I haven’t seen one in days. Her “I love you” texts are few and far between, and when they come I wonder if they were accidental or by force of habit I wonder if she winces afer she sends it and thinks to herself…damn, I didn’t mean to do that.

I may still be in her heart, but I feel like I’ve been replaced. Maybe he’s better, or maybe there’s just more of a connection for her. I don’t know. I can’t read her mind…as much as I’d like to. Or not, perhaps I don’t really want to know what;s going on up there.

I was always just with her, but unless there were short periods where there was never anyone else…she’s never just been with me. I think she’s always been with Justin, though that one is long over. It’s clear she still has issues to work through with that relationship, her longest, and perhaps the only one where she was able to be faithful for even a period of time. It was toxic, and not a relationsip I think she’d want to repeat. But still, you can hear the indignation in her voice every time she talks about how she was cheated on. How there was another woman the whole time she was pregnant, and how during that time she actually thought she had a shot at that blissful family happiness that she says now she does not want. And yet he’s out there, having the life I think she dreamed of for a spell. He’s got his family, her daughter a part of it, and his woman gets to spend more time with her daughter than she does.

Then there’s Greg, the first guy she dumped me for. For almost 4 months I endured that relationship, longing for her, but trying to just be her friend. I dated, but my heart wasn’t in it. I ended up friends with one of the woman that I dated, and she’s quick to point out that it was clear where my heart and mind were the entire time. I never even took her pcitures out of my digital photo frame. I thought things were over between her and Greg when they started up again with us. She started out by saying she was in love with both of us…but then quickly posted about loving only one man, and that that man was me. I endured their roommate situation for a full year, thinking that all was platonic between them…and honestly, I believe it was for a while. Apparently, though, she started seeing him again as soon as he moved out. Pretty soon he had his days…and I had mine. I lived mostly oblivious to this. I was with her, I didn’t see her enough, but when I did I felt like the guy. I felt loved. I still feel loved.

Somewhere in there Wolfie came into the mix. I can’t remember his real name. Last January I began to see the same patterns. Things were different and suddenly I wasn’t the one anymore. By Valentine’s Day I knew things were over, but I had plans, and I kept them. I enjoyed what I thought would be our last night together, and then I prepared to let her go. It took a few weeks to actually have our talk about it, and we ended things, and she cried as I gave her back her stuff and walked away.

My phone was quiet for a while but it was too hard not to talk to her. She told me she wanted to swim with me and so we planned a swim, and then another, and another. Each time she was with me she would look at me the way she used to. She would touch me the way she used to. And finally I told her I was confused and didn’t know what to do. And we were back.

Two months ago it all changed again. Two months ago I started to realize there was another. I could not pretend I didn’t see it, and it started to eat at me. All the signs were there and I finally called her out on it. Kris is now in the picture, a young 22 year old, who may be the one who makes her heart sing now.

But now I know about the others, and at least I know what I am dealing with. The truth hurts, but it is better than living a lie. But I can’t shake the feeling that I am no longer important. I no longer matter the way I used to. I certainly am struggling with feeling it. I’m hurting, not because there’s someone else..but because there always was, and if I continue this journey, there probably always will be. I’m hurting becaause I don’t see what value I have in her life…what purpose I serve.

And I’m struggling to see my own value.

I want to be wrong, I want to know where I stand though, and I want to feel it. I want to hold her and understand her feelings, and know that I am loved.

I’m still going to try to make this work. You’ll tell me I’m a fool, an idiot, and maybe I am. But you don’t choose who you fall in love with, and I am madly in love with her. But if it turns out I’m right, and I’m not the one or even a one…I’ll bow out. I’ll walk away and let it go. I’ll have to. But I am pretty sure I am going to cry when I do.

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The Matrix: The Red Pill

“You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”  – Morpheous

I swallowed the red pill.  I asked for it.  The world just didn’t seem right and I wanted the truth.  I kept having those moments…little bits of intuition where you know something is off and it begins to unsettle you.  That’s the way it had felt for months.  Is this really chicken I’m eating?  Or is it something that tastes just enough like chicken that I can’t tell the difference?

Eventually the Matrix can’t sustain you.  You begin to see every blip, every flaw in it and you know the truth is out there if you just open your mind to it.  I wanted the red pill, but to be honest, I’m not sure I knew how deep the rabbit hole really was.  Once you open your eyes and see the truth you see everything for what it is.  Everything becomes clear and you can almost predict the future.

Everything has changed…and yet nothing has.  The road has always been there it just took me this long to realize I was traveling on it.

I’m working on accepting it.  I’ll  get there eventually…

But right now…

I wish I had swallowed the blue pill.
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Kobayashi Maru

I created a no win situation.  I admitted I was angry that my love chose to spend time with another doing something I held dear in my heart to me.  I asked herr to choose me and not do the event with him.  I explained my reasoning and said if she was willing to hurt me she should also be willing to hurt him.  There is no win in this situation. I fucked up…pure and simple.  Fml

Friends

I don’t do friends well.  And when you are hurting and angry and sad and really need them they aren’t there for you.  Why should they be?  What have you done to keep them in your life?  So you suffer…you get angry…you cry.  You wish you were better at it but you never have been.  You don’t make friends easily and you forget to keep them close.  In silence you suffer and reach out to to strangers on the internet.  You want something but you can’t even articulate it.  You are lonely, hurt.  Life sucks.

Little bits of love

I have this little girl snuggled on my lap today.  She is the daughter of the woman I love.  I still don’t know what to do.  I know yesterday my love freaked out because she slept through her alarm and because i had worked late and didn’t text her she went into panic mode and needed the sound of my voice to calm her.  I know that she wants me in her life and I know that she loves me.  I know that I love being with her and having her and her daughter in my life.   I’m not going to rush…the decision will come when I’m ready…

Hopefully we will both be ready for whatever decision I make.

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New Day New Mood New Beginning

I haven’t really gone into detail about what happened this weekend and I think I’ll actually keep the details to myself.  Suffice to say that I got clarification on some things I had suspected for a while and instead of passively accepting it or running away from it as I might have been wont to do in the past I decided to confront it head on.  I may have made a mistake in doing so but I think trying to live with something that doesn’t work for me is a bigger mistake, and one I have already made.

I love J.  I love her with all my heart, and if we can get through this I’ll be incredibly happy.  I think we can.  I believe we both feel the same for each other, and I know from talking to her that she wants me in her life, and that she wants to be able to have (and maybe this is just me hoping) some semblance of a normal relationship.

I asked her for honesty, and I believe she’s done…at least in what’s important.  I think in all relationships there are some white lies or half truths…or omissions, but I am hopeful that we are at least moving forward in the right direction…one that will lead to better communication between us.

I hope that she still trusts me too, because in order to find out what I had to know…and I do mean had…because it was eating at me and would have eventually destroyed me…and most likely any chance of a relationship I had to do the one thing I told myself I would never do with her.  In fairness, I think I did a decent job of handling it.  I looked at her phone, something I really didn’t want to do and I regret feeling the need to.  I was as considerate as possible…if that’s even something you can be…and really only glanced and sped through it.  Just glimpses without really reading it…just enough to get confirmation of what I was 90% sure of anyhow.  Whatever else went on between them is still private…as well as any other conversations she was having.  I don’t and didn’t want the details or to read anything that could damage or eat at me.  I just wanted to know for sure I was right.

And it started the conversation, and even though it was uncomfortable and painful I really hope it has a positive effect.

In any case…I’m going to give this another chance…despite anything and everything everyone might say.  When you love someone you have to take risks…you have to risk losing the one you to get what you need.

I want her in my life.  I want the happiness I have when she is with me.  I want that smile to grow.

It ain’t about us…

My son see’s a therapist every other week.  He’s been struggling this year…a lot.  He’s been up and he’s been down, and he’s been exhibiting suicidal ideation and he’s been cutting himself.  He needs to see a therapist every week.  I know this…

I’m a single parent.  I have my boys 90% of the time.  Probably more.  My Ex currently see’s them every other weekend…if they choose to go see her.  If something else doesn’t come up…etc.

I take my eldest to therapy on Saturdays.  I can’t take off from work every week to get him there, so I take time during the weekend to do so.

I’ve had help from my girlfriend on alternate weeks…and she’s taken him when she can.  But she’s got a life too, and she’s busy, and he already has a mom.

I asked his therapist to reach out to her and see if she would be willing to take him to therapy immediately after she picks the boys up on her Fridays.  The therapist would clear his schedule for them…because it’s that important that my son get in.

The therapist’s office is actually on the way to her apartment.  The delay is probably better for traffic anyhow.  The time she could spend with him before and after could be quality time…and let me reiterate…the kid really really needs it.

She told the therapist it interferes with her time with him.  She told him I can take all the time off I want from work (she, btw, doesn’t work) and that I could make it so that I could take him.  (And yes, there’s some truth here) I could take him in the mornings….before I really do need to be at work…except that he would have to miss school…and given that he’s struggling so much there already…missing school does not seem to be a viable option.

The therapist is PISSED.  His opinion is that she is making this about us.  We don’t communicate, not, one, tiny, little, bit.

I just hope her anger doesn’t get our son killed because she refuses to act like a parent and make time for the help he needs.