Too much like a date…part II

I guess this is bothering me more than I expected. I know I’m loved…the way she treats me and touches me when we are together is not in question. That she loves me and cares for me I have no doubt, but then again, I didn’t doubt these things when she broke up with me for someone else…not once, but twice.
Is there some part of her that’s afraid of being committed to one person or does she truly just like that feeling when someone new is attracted to you…that first kiss, touch, etc. I know how exciting it can be. Now…I’m not at all saying this is what’s going on in this situation. It doesn’t feel like that to me. What it feels like is that this guy has something she needs..and she’s willing to play around with his emotions and maybe even be physical with him in order to get what she needs. And, honestly, that doesn’t feel right. He’s younger than her, and not her type…at least from what I can tell. But this date…for I can’t really call it anything else, bothers me on many levels. Some I have words for and others just feelings that I can’t quite isolate or figure out.

But I got jealous. Being told that someone you love is going out with someone else to an event right by your house…and having it made clear that I should not be there is difficult. Being lied to makes it harder. Now…I understand the concept of a white lie. And I’m sure we all lie in relationships to some degree. And I think these lies are meant to make me feel better about the situation and help me understand that there is nothing there…but a lie is a lie…and I don’t want lies in the relationship…I just can’t.

So…they went to Fox Den and were supposed to go dancing later that night. She texted me at one point saying the dancing was cancelled and she’d go home earlier. But she left Fox Den around 11:15-11:30 and didn’t arrive home until about 1:30. And yet she made no mention of this time when I talked with her. She said he was essentially just her ride there….but what about this time together? When I asked about her night she made no mention of it. How far is she willing to go to get the car repairs she needs? Is the confines of being in a relationship too much for her?

It’s driving me nuts…because I can’t imagine not having her in my life, but I don’t want to doubt her. Even if she’s done stuff I don’t agree with I’d rather know and be able to talk about it then sit and wonder and worry every time something doesn’t add up.

She’s still hurting over all the things her Ex did to her…all the secrets, the lack of public acknowledgement of a relationship, etc. She cringes when he talks about his new relationship and family now…and yet I can’t get that from her. Will I ever?

Too much like a date

I couldn’t handle it.  Maybe it’s all on me…but when you aee with someone you shouldn’t have to feel like they are on a date with someone else.  Does the motivation or reason really matter? Does intent matter…especially if you believe his intent is a date regardless of her intent?  And why does her social media relationship status bother me so much….when I know where her heart is.

Ugh…it doesn’t matter because the truth is I just didn’t handle this well…and I need to think…

Valentine Redux

Last year…

Last year I went out for Valentine’s Day with the woman I love. At the time, she knew was going to break up with me. It didn’t last..and for that I am incredibly grateful. By late March or early April we were back together again, and she has been part of my life since. I love being with her, and though I still feel I don’t see her enough, I love every minute we do have together.

So why does the one little thing bother me…

Why do I let Facebook tell me she’s single…when I know I have her heart. It’s the silliest thing…It shouldn’t matter…it’s so damn small and petty but occasionally it still drives me nuts.

I’m a friggin dork.

In other news… I haven’t posted in ages because there really hasn’t been a lot of I’ve wanted to say. I haven’t been angry, I haven’t been sad, I haven’t been hurt, I haven’t raged. I’ve been happy, so happy, that in some ways I’ve been boring…

Oh there’s been a few things, my son has struggled with soe issues lately, but even his problems haven’t felt insurmountable. I don’t txt or email my Ex anymore. She’d gotten so unreasonable I just decided it wasn’t worth my time or energy…and I’d finally gotten everything settled. Last October I took her back to court and settled the parenting time issues…and she officially gave up all the time she wasn’t taking. Along with that came the much needed court ordered child support. Yep…shocking I know, but I’m actually getting monthly child support from her. The only part that pissed me off was that they didn’t order the back child support I was due. I’m down to less than a year of maintenance…and even that’s been reduced because her stupid lawyer screwed up the garnishment and I overpaid last year.

All in all…

Life is pretty damn good!

Exhausted

Feeling drained, low energy, tired, and just plain angry that I have to do all of this myself. My ex was always a selfish person….and having her here wouldn’t have made any difference…but man is this job difficult. Never enough time with the boys, always feeling guilty, and yet I push on and try my hardest to give them what they need.

2 years

Two years ago I did something out of character for me. I figured if I didn’t I would regret it forever….and I made the right one. I’ve never regretted my choice….and I found something I wasn’t looking for. I found love…and more. Thank you J….so very very much.