It was about what I expected…
This will probably be my last post about the cockroach. He only deserves mention because I happened to notice that my Facebook page was no longer blocked to him…which means he feels the need to try to stalk my page for whatever reason enters that tiny brain of his. I did notice his abundance of selfies with his girl…showing his narcissism and insecurity. I was on my way to block him when I found he’d already taken care of it…but since he’s probably reading this…please do let me know next time you unblock me….I’ll be happy to block you myself…and when I do it is permanent. I’ve no need for you to rent space in my head.
I’ve made my peace with this whole thing…and I’m staying in J’s life. I can’t and won’t do otherwise. And frankly we both know she is never going to stop spending time with me.
So enjoy your time…I’ll enjoy mine. I’m not going to tally and see who gets the most or does this or that with her…it’s beneath me.
I do love her…and that’s not going to stop either.
And stay away from the gym. I don’t go where you are…you shouldn’t come where I am. I’m more than happy to send you crying home to mama.
I can feel it settling in like an old friend you don’t want to be around. I can’t stand my own company right now.
I opened the damn door again and let her in. She climbed on my bed and snuggled up same as always. She looked good, she felt good, and damn I missed her…but I still need her out. I need her to get her stuff and get away from me until that loser is out…or forever…whichever comes first.
I’m so fucking stupid.
I woke early this morning to the now usual recurring nightmares. I got my cardio in hoping the exercise and burn would keep my emotions in check. I did smile at the scale…almost another 4 lbs down….but when I sat outside all I could do was cry. I let the tears flow…I need the release even if I don’t want it. I know she’s never going to come back into my life, I knew it when I left. After a while her memory of me will fade away and I’ll be as nothing. Just a short chapter in her life.
I lost you the day I confronted you about cheating on me with the Cockroach. I lost you then, and I knew it, but still I clung to the hope that I hadn’t. I lost you, and it felt like I had lost my salvation. Like I had lost all that was good in my life. I should have let you go then, but we clung to each other like two cacti. Neither of us was willing to admit it was over…. you have a place in my heart…you always will, but it is time for me to say goodbye. I lost half this post…so my words can’t even begin to fill the void I feel in my heart.
Went on an actual real date. Felt good. Good conversation, etc. Nice chaste kiss afterwards…with a couple of hugs…and then the text message after with the confession that she wanted to pull me in the back seat to make out like teenagers.
Damn that felt nice…