Feeling a sense of peace and freedom…
It’s over. And I’m done.
Okay….I don’t post to twitter anymore…so please tell me…who the hell keeps viewing my blog from twitter? There’s nothing relevant here. Nothing that should draw anyone in. It’s just me venting and being stupid. It’s me breaking down and being sad…so who are you?
To go from feeling like you are someone to feeling like you are no one.
I need to fix how I feel
Feeling oddly empty and absent right now.
It’s time for some major changes. Last month I put my house on the market. The other day I got an offer that doesn’t seem logical to refuse. But I have about 60 days to find somewhere else to live. I have to figure out how to keep my boys in the same schools — which means getting them to and back each day. I have to figure out whether I can buy another house or whether I need to stick to my original plan (slightly modified) which means renting out until the end of next June. I don’t know if I can actually pull off buying a new house…at least not until next year. I’ll definitely have the money, but it comes down to whether my credit has been restored enough after the divorce to do so. I need this change, I need to get out of this house, out of the home I shared with my ex and out of something that has no appeal to me.
I’m scared. I’ve been here 22 years. But it is time.
And it is time for another big change. It’s time to give up. Let go.
Sunday night after our workout I hugged her goodbye. I started crying, not because I was going to be gone for a week and I was going to miss her…even if that is true. I started crying because I can’t help it anymore. Everyday the stress gets to me a little more. Every day I say to myself…just one more day. I can hold on for one more day. When I am with her everything feels good, I feel good. But I do not have her heart, at least not the way I want it, and it makes me cry. And maybe I’m holding on to something that will never be. Maybe I want too much. But I am vested in her. I have given her my heart and I don’t know how to get it back…or even if I really want it back. But this hurts, it hurts on a level I have never felt before, and I want the pain to go away. But every time she touches me, every time she smiles at me, it eases that same pain, even more so when she says she loves me.
I just don’t want the Roach around. Every time I see a text flash across her phone from him, I flinch. Every snapchat she gets, I flinch. I don’t know what she wants from me, or why she holds on to me and won’t let me go…and even if she did, I don’t know that I could go.
Even now…I just want her in my arms. I just want her with me. But I didn’t push it when I should have…I didn’t stick to my ultimatums and now I am probably weak in her eyes, less a man.
I am sad almost every day. But I feel like I would be worse without her than with.
I don’t know what to do…
And so I go on another day, another moment, waiting for her text, her call, her visit.
I am down. I can’t seem to get out of this funk. Even my workouts aren’t helping. I’m down and I don’t know how to get out.