I think I’m depressed again. I’ve been feeling trapped in the house…mixed between not wanting to go out and not being able or invited to go out. I’ve been so-so on working out. I haven’t hung out with my friends. And I’ve felt abandoned by J though that’s a serious over-reaction to some mildly diminished time. But maybe my gut knows something my mind does not. I worry too much. I know that. I get into ruts. I know that too. I feel like I’m in a rut. Or a series of overlapping ruts. Some days I’m fine. Some not.

I’ve been reading a dystopian series (Wool, Shift, Dust) – the Silo Saga. I’m enjoying them immensely. One of the characters starts taking medication to help him process knowledge that he can’t otherwise handle without it.

I think that’s where I’m at. I’m trying to process life. I’m trying to figure out where things are going, how I’m getting there, and who, other than my kids, if anyone, I’m getting there with.

Yesterday I started on the Abilify again and also took whatever new pills I had picked up back at the beginning of December. I’m not sure I need it, but I’m not sure I don’t.

What I am sure of is that I need to get somewhere. Even if it’s just in my head.

4 thoughts on “Depressed

  1. I echo Matt’s comment above (Hi Matt! [waves]).

    I am at a similar juncture in my journey as well. I have pushed back on the voice in my mind that says “call the Doc!” because I have not-so-awesome reactions to meds of any kind [I’m chemically sensitive. not yay.] However, I think sometimes our bodies can get pushed beyond their capacity and the nervous system becomes hampered. Intellectually, I get it. Otherwise, I’m inclined to hedge on meds in my case.

    Seems like we reside at the opposite ends of the spectrum though: you can let your mind run wild whilst mine dissociates and goes to its happy place [to the detriment of my work! oh no!] Regardless the outcome is the same. I can only rhetorically ask what is the next right thing to do, and then try to break inertia and DO it. :D

    Hang in there bud.

    • Dharma,

      The Abilifiy is fast acting…something I like because it sort of puts a wet blanket on the fire and allows me to look at things without panicking. I don’t know how I’ll react to the other medication. My plan is to stop the Abilify after a few days when I think the other drug has had enough time to kick in. Right now my mood is good and stable…which is what I needed.

      Thank you so much for being there and looking out for me. I smile just getting a “checking in” email from you…even before I take the time to read it.

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